Dear Valued Employees,
It has come to my attention that there is concern over the new game we plan to unveil at the upcoming 1874 Expo. Please allow me to address and assuage these concerns.
First, let me say that our best minds have been working on this for many years. This was a team effort—which, to be frank, was not easy—so the one thing we were unanimous on is that it should not be a team sport.
In fact, we’ve decided that players shouldn’t even come into contact—better yet, that there should be a barrier between them. We understand this may come as a disappointment to some, and to Reginald in particular.
The scoring system has also been raised as a potential point of confusion. I will not claim it follows logic, but the simple truth is that we aren’t good with numbers and hope people will not notice that there is no discernible pattern.
“Love” was added as a fun Valentine’s Day tie-in. “Deuce” was, in fact, a regrettable typo we failed to catch before publication. But why can’t scoring be like a fine piece of art or literature—raising more questions than answers? Is there no room for abstraction within the sporting world? I encourage you to look into the scoring for American Football.
Many have pointed out that when a serve hits the net but still lands in, one should say “net” and not “let.” I have no further comment and would like to move on.
Others have noted confusion in distinguishing between “game,” “set,” and “match.” Honestly, I see no better alternatives. Would you propose we divide the match into “quarters” or “halves”? That simply makes no sense.
As for the name, we appreciate your suggestions of Racquet-Whack-it, Over-The-Net, and Inside-The-Lines, but let’s think outside the lines. The word Tennis just…came to me. And, truthfully, we’ve already printed the press release, so the name “Tennis” stands.
We are very optimistic about the potential of this new sport—so much so that we’ve shelved other distractions, such as “Poker,” and “Monopoly.” We can’t afford wasted effort when we’re on the brink of introducing a truly groundbreaking game.
Sincerely,
Alfred D. Tennis
CEO, Perplexing Pastimes Inc.
Rodney Uhler is a New York-based humor and culture writer, and a lifelong tennis fanatic.
